WE NEED A NEW CEO
(OURS ESCAPED)

📝 ABOUT THE ROLE

Due to unforeseen circumstances (our CEO literally flew away in an airplane dodging missiles), we are seeking a dynamic, forward-thinking individual to fill the most important chair in the office. It's a really nice chair. Herman Miller. That alone should be worth it.

This is a unique opportunity to lead a team that doesn't listen, manage a budget that doesn't exist, and attend meetings that could've been emails.

🎯 RESPONSIBILITIES

• Sit in The Chair™ and look important
• Approve things you don't understand
• Take credit for the engineering team's work
• Write LinkedIn posts starting with "I'm humbled to announce..."
• Stare at dashboards and nod knowingly
• Say "let's circle back" at least 4 times per meeting
• Use the word "synergy" unironically
• Dodge missiles (figuratively... and sometimes literally)
• Survive board meetings (harder than dodging actual missiles)
• Keep the coffee machine running — the team's actual CEO

📋 REQUIREMENTS

• Must own at least one blue suit (navy counts, teal does NOT)
• 15+ years experience making PowerPoint look like you did work
• Expert at saying "per my last email" without sounding passive-aggressive
• Ability to survive on a diet of conference room snacks
• Must score at least 10 on Flappy CEO (see aptitude test)
• Experience dodging tough questions from the board
• Pilot's license (preferred, given what happened to the last guy)
• Missile-dodging certification (MANDATORY after recent events)

⚡ NICE TO HAVE

• Can make the WiFi work (IT gave up)
• Knows where the previous CEO hid the good snacks
• Willing to pretend to understand blockchain
• Has a motivational quote for every situation
• Can fix the printer (this alone guarantees the job)

💰 COMPENSATION

🎁 PERKS & BENEFITS

• The Big Chair™ (worth more than the salary tbh)
• Unlimited "I'll look into it" responses
• Your own parking spot (we already moved the previous CEO's car)
• Access to the executive bathroom (it's just the regular bathroom with a sign we made)
• Business trip budget (✈️ tiny airplane included)
• Free coffee (you're buying, it's a leadership trait)
• LinkedIn Premium (so you can see who's viewing your profile while panicking)

📊 HOW YOU COMPARE TO THE PREVIOUS CEO

CRITERIA	PREVIOUS CEO	YOU (HOPEFULLY)
Dodging Missiles	⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐	❓ TBD
Making PowerPoints	⭐⭐⭐	Can't be worse
Actually Reading Emails	⭐	Low bar, you got this
Office Snack Hoarding	⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐	Please don't
Replying to Slack	😴	Any response = improvement
Flight Risk	Literally flew away	Must sign no-fly clause